I Will Never Change My Mind I Will Do It Again

8 minute read

OK, here'south the deal. If y'all've clicked on this article, there is a high adventure you are in a human relationship with an abusive narcissist AND, you are holding out hope that one day they will change.

Y'all may be scanning the web seeking evidence that your narcissist isn't equally awful as that piffling vocalization inside you sometimes begs you to accept.

If you could but find the correct magical solution they will change and be the amazing person y'all know they can exist. Y'all just know this can happen, because surely they don't hateful it when they do the horrendous things they exercise? Surely no one would. And they must be completely unaware of what they are doing…does this sound familiar?

Well the plain, horrific truth is, they do hateful it. Their actions are entirely calculated. The narcissist abuses yous intentionally.

Whilst many say that people never modify. I don't believe this is true. People tin. They do all the fourth dimension. There are even so necessary conditions for this to happen. These are awareness of the behaviour they desire to change, and the will to make it happen. This is how I define intentionality.

As, intentionality also applies to identifying what I call acts of evil. One who is aware of what causes harm and intentionally chooses to brand this happen, in my book cannot exist excused. And one who repeatedly chooses to cause harm is at the very least, comfortable with their deportment. They take in essence, no intention of changing.

This commodity is a big, fat reality bank check that the narcissist acts from a place of intentionality. They make deliberate choices to cause impairment to feed off your pain. The raw truth of these facts are evidenced in their own actions.

Stop making excuses for the narc at present.

In the words of Maya Angelou: 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first fourth dimension'.

Submission 1 – Breaking yous down

Permit'southward start off with a reminder of what makes the narcissist tick…controlling and dominating you lot as a form of supply. These driving forces underpin the demand to cheapen & diminish you.

All sorts of heed warping strategies are used to make this happen: gaslighting, projection, smear campaigns, threats, exploitation, twisting of the truth or outright lying, circular nonsensical arguments, shaming etc. advert infinitum…

Why? To accept ability over you and to feel 'more than than', past making you feel 'less than'. This is primal to their needs. Feeding on others is all almost reinforcing their beliefs that they are superior  which necessitates that all others are, of course, inferior.

Given y'all are a fabulous human existence (why else would they accept called you for supply if you were not!), this means that they demand to interruption y'all downward to feel superior. They do this, systemically through their abuse. Pause for a 2d and reflect on how you are feeling. Minor? Worthless? Unloved/unlovable? Deeply flawed? Crazy? Then, off-white to say it's working right?

The other motivation for breaking you down is that they need you lot to buy into their 'more than'/'less than' dynamic. When you practice, this fortifies your dependence on them and consequently their power over you.

At this betoken you may be thinking 'yeah maybe this isn't right, but maybe my narc can't help it, or doesn't hateful it, I need to allow for these possibilities'…let'south move on to the incontrovertible proof.

Submission 2 – Hiding the truth

Exhibit A – Isolation

A popular method of control is to isolate victims. This can be from human, concrete, emotional, psychological, or mental resource. This is a classic tactic used every bit the less external resources you lot have bachelor to yous, the more you are dependent on the narc to go past.

There are also other reasons, specially regarding isolating you from other people. The narcissist fears that people who care near you lot will notice the detrimental impact the relationship has on you.

They also fear that others will validate the reality of the situation which undermines the agog piece of work the narcissist has been doing in disarming you that it is all in your mind.

Furthermore, they fearfulness others who are concerned will influence yous past saying 'what's going on is non ok', and yous may merely flee.

The fear here is all about beingness caught out. Either past you maxim no more & walking away, or by others calling them on their behaviour.

Exhibit B – The ii faces

Similarly, the narcissist will show unlike faces, one for when in public and the hugger-mugger one kept just for you lot.

The secret face up is the 1 stripped of the mask, the real person. This person uses yous as supply, feeding off the process of yous losing yourself, getting a payoff each time your heart and soul breaks a lilliputian further.

This is the person you can no longer pretend is simply misguided, or unaware of their behaviour. This is the person you are trying to excuse merely can practise no longer.

In contrast, the person they become in public is the one you lot are property out they can get consistently, eradicating the monster who abuses you.

This is the ane who keeps you feeling hopeful because they show you they tin be good correct? This is the i you savage for when yous were being idealised and worshipped at the very first. Mannerly, witty, generous, attentive, kind, total of smiles and laughter – rainbows, lollypops, and unicorns are everywhere when this person is effectually.

Well, this person is still the one of the 'undercover confront' who abuses you for kicks. They've simply popped on their mask. They do this because it is the perfect embrace for what really lies underneath. This way, your truth is harder to believe if you lot dare share their secret.

Exhibits A & B unequivocally demonstrate the narc knows that they are abusing you, and that they are enlightened that by normal standards of behaviour, this is unacceptable. Hence the duplicitousness of hiding their own behaviour from outsiders.

They know what they are doing is wrong. They know is information technology causing y'all harm. Still, they are choosing to do it anyway. In addition to ensuring they can keep to do so into the foreseeable future by establishing weather that protect the truth from existence surfaced and beingness caught out.

Submission 3 – The body does not lie

The narcissist is clearly a principal of control, of both you when suffering their manipulation and devaluation, and to a certain extent of themselves. Established to a higher place is their ability to pick and cull which persona they share with whom and when. There are a few things inside themselves that are however beyond their control. One of these is the powerful truth of physical tells.

Exhibit C – Joy at the pain of others

I refer to evil once more. Many argue that there is no such thing as evil, and that all people are essentially good. I will acknowledge to having held and defended this belief the bulk of my life until the devil looked me in the heart.

Those at the malignant end of the narcissistic spectrum and individuals with Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD) volition show y'all what they are physically. That lack of congruence between words, actions, and behaviours, also extends to body language.

Two singled-out signs are:

1. Occasionally when hitting the bullseye and causing you deep impairment, you lot will take hold of them smile. They may even allow a laugh of delight slip out. Yes, these reactions are from pleasance at your pain.
2. The same applies when impairment occurs to others. When involved in gossip, smear campaigns or hearing of the genuine misfortune of others, you volition discover the narc is strangely animated, excited. The pain of others quite literally lights them up.

Individuals who receive a pay-off from the misery of others are different the residuum of us. They will non give upwards the behaviours, because they like being that way. It is in fact, what they live for.

Submission 3 – In their own words

No intention of changing will always eventuate. This would be completely opposite to all the behavior and behaviours that make them an individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They consider themselves to be superior, omnipotent, special, gifted, and are arrogant and entitled.

Using their own words, they will tell you all this nearly themselves.

Firstly, heed to the underlying premise of all their devaluation strategies: "in order to be proficient plenty for me, you demand to change xyz…".

Then, heed more broadly, this same view applies to anybody that surrounds them. Nobody is good enough. All must change to be worthy of the narcissist in their unhumble opinion.

Finally, again, if you happen to be with a malignant narcissist or an individual with APD, they will just come right out and say it. "I like who and what I am. I know I get off on causing pain. I will never modify". Truthful. Believe it or not, I've heard these very words.

Why go along to try and disprove what they proudly own?

'Nuff said.

You may notwithstanding be dismissing the psychological theory of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or their very own testament to their truth when they tell you what they are. In a manner y'all kind of need to considering of the brainwashing that has occurred. Denial is a necessary survival defence machinery.

But isolating yous, the public vs. individual personalities, and the glee written on their body from your pain are unequivocal evidence the narc is fully enlightened they are destroying you lot.

Can you really keep to forgive, excuse & defend a person who is enlightened they are causing you impairment, and deliberately chooses to do so?

These truths can't be ignored*.

Yous must accept that the egotistic abuses you intentionally, and will not stop. You must let go of any residual denial that things simply might work out if yous stay with the narcissist.

Step out of survival mode and into recovery. Information technology's time to turn all this gorgeous hope, free energy, commitment, unconditional dearest, and optimism on someone who deserves it: you.

Shatter the narcissistic bonds now and start feeding your ain soul (check out Why is it then hard to leave an calumniating relationship with a narcissist? for more info on trauma bonding). Do this for you. Freedom & joy are waiting for yous, only you must release yourself start past walking away.

Please share your insights or questions beneath on breaking through denial and seeing the narc for what they really are. Sharing and encouraging others is and then very necessary to assistance all of usa on our journey of recovery.

With gratitude,

Maggie ten

*For those hungry for more jolting facts to assistance you move out of denial, I highly recommend Dr Martha Stout's book The Sociopath Side by side Door.

In this book yous will larn to recognise who to stay away from. Dr Stout explains why malignant narcissists and those with Hating Personality Disorder are the way they are.

She besides provides articulate details almost the characteristics and warning signs of these dangerous people so recognising those who get their kicks from causing pain, is easy. This is a significant achievement given they are and so gifted at hiding their truth!

The language is easy to read, and it is both fascinating and then applied – a scrap of a 'how to protect yourself guide'. This book helped me heaps and is 1 that has had a major touch in my ain journey.

(Annotation – if using link/s provided to purchase, you'll receive complimentary shipping and title heavily discounted. You'll also be supporting my work in providing yous free resources on this site, by earning a very small commission, at no actress price to you – cheers 😊)

Bibliography

• Bancroft, 50. (2003). Why does he exercise that? Inside the minds of aroused and controlling men. New York, US: Berkley Books.
• Dutton, D., & Painter, S. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: A test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and Victims. viii(two), 105-xx.
• Reid, J., Haskell, R.A., Dillahunt-Aspillaga, C., Thor, J. (2013). Contemporary review of empirical and clinical studies of trauma bonding in vehement or exploitative relationships. International Periodical of Psychology Research, eight(1), 37-73.
• Stout, M. (2005). The sociopath adjacent door. New York, United states of america: Harmony Books.

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Source: https://narcwise.com/2018/03/02/proof-the-narcissist-abuses-you-intentionally-and-will-never-change/

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